The Road to Healing

For most part of my life that I have cognition, I live with the fear of death. Not my death but death of loved ones. It has been so long, I have more or less just resigned to living with it. 

I had vague memory that even as a child, I would cry thinking about the death of my parents. I would go to their bedside and cry while they were sleeping. Now that I think about it, could it be some shows that I have watched because I do recall sobbing uncontrollably over the death of fictional characters in the drama.

At the same time I was afraid of ghosts and spirits. I was healed as a youth during an encounter retreat. The facilitator asked me when did I start to be afraid of ghosts and spirits and I said it was attending my first Christian wake as a child when I viewed a dead body for the first time. The facilitator then led me in prayer and since that day, I am no longer afraid of such and was able to be alone in the night. 

But still the fear of death of loved ones did not leave me. It fact it only got worse with marriage and child birth. I feel the need to have my phone all the time because I worry that there would be an emergency call and I would live in regret if I didn't pick that call. I am in the constant fear that my husband would die young. I also had a warped thinking that God would take my husband away from me because I needed my husband too much.  Some nights, I would cry just thinking about my husband and children dying. If my husband returns home late, I would worry he got into a car accident. If he didn't return fast enough from jogging, I would worry that he had an heart attack and collapsed on the street. Even when he was soundly asleep, I would worry that he would die in his sleep the next morning when I wake up. 

When my sons' teachers called me and I see the school's number appeared on my phone, my heart would immediately raced because I imagine something grave had happened to them. When my son complained of chest pain, I would imagine the worst and start googling and thinking should I send him for a full health check. I am a teacher and when I am doing recess duty and watching the students play basketball, I would think to myself, what if my son die in school while playing during recess.

I guess my worst fear was when my husband and sons went out without me. I would imagine what if the 3 of them died in a car crash together.

News of people and children who die young would affect me greatly even if they are total strangers to me. I would cry and think about the news throughout the day. Sometimes, I would even recall about the news months later and I would start googling and see if there are any updates on how the living family members of these people are coping.

I also started avoiding movies with death because I can't control my crying in the cinema.

The fear and paranoid are ridiculous yet I was helpless against it. I tried to renounce and bind whatever that I could think of but it was to not much relief. I have prayed time and again for God to remove that fear from me. I thought maybe this was a weakness that I have to live with. I also didn't know how or who to tell these things to because even I find myself ridiculous. 

My breakthrough finally came in the 2022, Come Holy Spirit series. Melissa shared about open doors and demonic activities and I am once again determined that there must be something that I can pray for myself about. During the sermon, she shared some things from the book, Bondage Breaker, which was also a book I own since I was a youth. I decided to read it again. 

In one of the chapters, there was a brief mention about the spirit of fantasy. And I thought to myself, maybe I should renounce that. As a youth I watched many romance drama and read countless romance books. For many years now, I rarely watch drama and have stopped reading romance books. But there is something I still do. I watch highlights of drama. Snippets from the drama. Because I have such fear for death and sad ending, I would sieve out sweet, happy moments from the drama and watch. I usually watch them when I'm bored or can't sleep. But the issue with watching such episodes is , it leads me into a world of fantasy where I imagine myself and my life to be someone else for a while. 

So I thought, maybe I should not even watch those short clips and highlights and should renounce the spirit of fantasy in my life, which I did. And I went to bed and I stopped watching those clips in the days to come. 

And Lo and Behold, I then suddenly realized, I haven been thinking about the possible sudden death of my husband and the boys for a few days now. And I chanced upon news of a young husband and a young mum who died and I didn't sobbed uncontrollably. I have been healed! And on one night, my husband attended an evening event and came home quite late. I texted him good night and I slept. I didn't even know what time he finally returned home. I know I am healed! Typically, I can't sleep when he is not home because I worry that he gets into a car accident. I would be nodding away if I'm very tired but I would keep checking the phone until he is finally home. 

I have no idea why renouncing the spirit of fantasy works. For years I've been renouncing the spirit of death and kept reciting to myself that life and death are in the hands of God. But what I do know is, to be set free and not live in bondage is the most wonderful thing. To date, I've not been overwhelmed with thoughts of death and I've been avoiding all shows and even articles on romance (eg featuring Prince William and Kate. I just want to take extra precaution until I'm fully well). But there are still fleeting thoughts that will enter my mind and I would immediately catch hold of them and stop it. I keep reminding myself of the joy of freedom. I have tasted his goodness and I must not go back to my old ways!

Thank you God for healing me. I know with all certainty that it can only be the works of the Holy Spirit. Oh come and see, that the Lord is good. The Lord is good to me.