To be or not to be feminist?
During Tuesday life group, a recently married young lady mentioned that she is somewhat of a feminist and struggles with the issue of submitting to her husband.
The issue is a complicated one. Firstly, the discourse on feminism is dynamic and many a time laced with emotions. Secondly, the idea of biblical submission is probably not studied or misunderstood. Lastly, one may not really be a feminist or had a submission issue, the root lies somewhere else.
Interestingly, I had on a few occasions been described as a submissive wife although I do not want to probe on the definitions by the people who paid me the compliment/criticism. What they do not know is if they had met the undergraduate me, they would probably think otherwise.
The excitement of undergraduate life, the newfound independence and arts education had thrown me into a period of questioning, tears and anger. I had to come face to face on whether my religion is just a clutch, an opium for the society. I do not know where to find the answer to show that my God is not a sexist one. I did not know until then that society had a different set of expectations for women. Discrimination and prejudice were new to the 19 year old me. My simple and sheltered world view were badly shaken because I had not been prepared to challenge it. It had never occurred to me to challenge it.
My new learning and reading materials created a great sense of indignant in me. I only have eyes to see prejudices and eager to sieve out any perceived unfairness to women in the bible. Besides the issue on the treatment of women, I also began to be disgruntled with the ruling party. So I guess I was a feminist and a leftist for a while. LOL.
I then spent that few years of undergraduate life arguing with God and Weijian, my then boyfriend. There were times when the argument got heated and close to tears on my part. Looking back, it's funny. I wonder if feminism was ever a point of discussion for other couples. For some odd reason, Weijian remain stoic throughout. Engaging me in the discussion to the best of his abilities, looking helpless at times but most of the time, it didn't seem to bother him. It is as if he knows I will one day grow out of it.
Which I did. Something shifted during those times of arguing with God. Something shifted in the multiple discussions I had with Weijian. I guess when you fought long enough, you also realise that you run out of new ideas. And when your sparring partners have been patient, you slowly begin to consider another perspective, you begin to consider that you may be wrong. One day Weijian finally asked me, so what if God really meant for men and women to function differently? And why do women aspire to be like men, why not just aspire to be best? Who is placing the limits on women or are these limits imagined, self-imposed?
So I guess most of all, when I fought long enough and don't know what I am fighting for really, I came to the place of surrender. That He is God and I am not, that He is sovereign. Who am I the created to question the creator. Maybe my surrender started out a little grudgingly, a little spitefully but God had mercy on me.
With my surrendering came a newfound understanding of His love for me. As a child on long road trip, I was able to sleep soundly throughout the ride because I had zero question that my daddy would drive me to the destination safely. In the same way, I rest in the knowledge that the driver behind the wheels of my life loves me, died for my sin and has a plan for my life. I may not understand, I may not agree with some things but I never have to doubt his thoughts and intentions towards me and in that, I rest my case.
And I caught a glimpse of such love in the husband God has given to me. Weijian remains unwavering in the word of God despite the questions, arguments and tears I thrown at him. For the questions he can't answer, it did not sway him but he continues to trust that God's word is perfect. He also remain faithful in loving me. My meltdowns and unreasonable behaviour did not drive him away. He was kind and patient towards me. And because of that I grew in trust and dependence. Because of that I could be who I am with him.
When the time finally came and we had to discuss about how we are to manage our finances, I offered close to no ( I just needed to double check that I get shopping money) resistance of him holding and managing all our money. I agree that he should manage all our money because he is wiser in that aspect. I agree that he should manage all our money because I have absolute trust that my needs will be taken care of in his planning. I agree that he should manage all our money because I know his love for me.
I highly suspect that I am seen as submissive because most of our friends know Weijian controls all our money. It's unimaginable to some and I've been advised against it by some well-meaning friends. But what they don't know I guess is the freedom of surrendering. To be able to sleep on the long road trip because you know who the driver is.
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