Miss Trying

I gave myself 10 minutes break but I am keeping myself away from the bed for the fear of falling asleep.

Practicum is anything but smooth sailing. While we are not taking the full workload, our every actions are under scrutiny. The need to present near to perfect lesson plans is not only impractical in reality but sucks up a whole lot of energy and time. It’s one thing to put in your best to do up lesson plan, PowerPoint and worksheet. It’s another when it’s all return for amendments all over again. On top of what is required of a trainee, we are given a whole lot of other stuff like marking, bringing kids out etc which newbie like us can’t possibly say no. And the worse of all these is probably having to be nice and agreeable with everything because the one talking to you has been teaching even before you were in school.
That day OM asked me to explain to him, why a trainee is still in school at 630pm. I could only smile.

I didn’t tell him that, that is because everyone thinks that lesson plan is the only thing you do and thus they all find many other things for you to do. I didn’t tell him that, that is because there are great expectations on us or maybe there are just many out there who tries to mould you into becoming better. I didn’t tell him that even if I work till 630pm now, I still have to work through the night and wake up at dawn.

These days, I feel so tired and depressed and having a very low threshold for most things. A phone call which supposingly substitutes for dates did not consist of updates and news but me crying like a baby over the phone.

No, I still love what I’m doing. Just that things in reality can’t be just that simple, can it? I knew it is never meant to be easy, but the process is still painful.

I need divine intervention. Trying, I am still trying to be of good cheer.

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